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If you’re one of the many people that missed out on tickets for Glastonbury or any of the other mudfests this year, don’t worry, you can put your own festival on at home for a fraction of the price.

First things first, you’ll need to set the scene. Get all the windows and doors in the house open. This is particularly important if it’s raining. It is also useful incase any waifs and stays wish to wander in off the street and join the fun.

Next on the agenda is sorting out your sleeping arrangements. This is easy enough by dragging your mattress into the kitchen and covering it in a bag of manure. Throw your duvet out the window, you won’t be needing it.

You are probably now going to want to see some acts, so get your iPhone out and download U2’s greatest hits and then get a low res picture of Bono and stick it at one end of the garden. Set your phone down next to it playing ‘Beautiful Day’ at an inaudible volume, go into the furthest away bedroom, charge yourself £15 for a warm can of cider and start throwing some shapes. You might at this point want to invite some friends round to occasionally push you on the floor and trample you a little. Your next port of call is to have one of your friends defecate all over your toilet floor and then fall asleep in it while you wait outside patiently for 3 hours holding in a piss and tweeting about how much of a great time you’re having.

After you have emptied you’re bladder you will probably fancy a little bite to eat. Have a root about in your freezer for some old burgers left over from a failed BBQ and pop one in the microwave for about 18seconds. Then, stick it between a couple of stale bits of Mighty White and dress it with lashing of out of date, pound-shop ketchup.

Lastly when you feel you have had quite enough crawl at 0.0001mph down your hall, out of the door and all the way to your parents house when you will want to cry in a the dark for up to a week while occasionally updating your facebook about how amazing it was and how you are now ever so tired and dreading going back to work.

JOB DONE. SAME TIME NEXT YEAR!

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4 thoughts on “My guide to the home festival

  1. Hilarious! Loved it…Laughed out loud. Having performed at Glastonbury,camped there and seen the mud slopes and floating tents and airbeds this is a possible alternative for the madfest hausguest.

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