Afternoon meat tubes, i hope i find you well.

Praise be the lord, the second ‘This is Suicide Dub’ album is out on the 28th of November and boy is it a corker!

Below is some guff i wrote to go out with the promos. They went out in pairs so thats how its written. Get over it. Ok?



1.High Rankin – The Things You Do
2.High Rankin – Flowers on your rave
3.Lightshapers – When i fall
4.Alexis K – State Of Play
5.Evolve or Die – Hail To The King
6.Magic Mash – M.A.G.I.C
7.RackNRuin – Forward Thinking
8.Cliffhanga – Lock This Down
9.Hostage – Take A Lick
10.Faceman & High Rankin – Public Service Announcement
11.ConRank – Had Enough
12.Temper D – Moon Boots
13.High Rankin & Evolve or Die Vs Wizard Sleeve – Lockdown

1. High Rankin – Things you do & 2. High rankin – Flowers on your rave

I would like to clear a few things up if possible. One, i don’t know who has been spreading the rumour that I fingered Carly Peterson in the back of Craig Dobsons car but it’s not true.

What happened was, we were sat in the back of the car playing travel chess and a wasp got in through a crack in the window. The wasp then flew up Carly’s skirt. I tried to remove the wasp by putting my hand up her skirt and moving it about rhythmically. Carly also let out some screams and groans in a further attempt to scare the wasp into leaving her skirt and the vehicle all together. Luckily neither of us were hurt by the wasp.

3. Lightshapers – When i Fall & 4. Alexis K – State Of Play

Lightshapes is made up of a person that makes music and lives in a house. The track opens with some notes which are combined with further notes to build up a sound. The track then drops which is great. There is a vocal in this track also which has become a popular thing to do over recent years.

Alexis K is from a country that is not in the UK. She makes music taking influences from other music that she has heard in the past. The track opens with drums and goes on to include some synth, some bass and a vocal which has been a popular combination over recent years.

5. Evolve or die – Hail To The King & 6. Magic Mash – MAGIC

You may have seen various videos of late featuring Evolve or Die in a wig. If you haven’t, that’s your loss quite frankly. This one time i was with Evolve or Die in this club in Brighton and this one hot chick started talking to me. It was totally awesome and after i ran out of things to say i went to the toilet so it didn’t look like i had run out of things to say. She left shortly after.

I’ve not met either of Magic Mash so don’t really know if they are nice guys. They probably are tbh as they are very polite on AIM and email. This one time we were chatting and i was also chatting to this one hot chick on facebook. I sent them a pic of the chick and they said she was hot as well. She has a boyfriend now.

7 RackNRuin – Forward Thinking  & 8. Cliffhanga – Lock it Down

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*Cuts to shot of Bare Noize winking whilst on the phone, lying provocatively on a sofa*

Maybe you want to talk naughty about the latest Pendulum remix competition or hear the steamy, intricate details of some cock stiffening sidechain compression. Our Dj’s will be there to sex it up live, 24 hours a day.

*Shots of Stenchman in a bra. More winking and phone work*

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*More winking. End*

9. Hostage – Take A Lick  &  10. Faceman and High Rankin – Public Service Announcement

I don’t know how many of you have been watching X Factor but i think this years is one of my favourites. Not least for Wagner i can tell you. He’s a one man wolf pack that guy. I am also very fond of Mary a.k.a Tesco Mary. I would like to be her neighbour. I would go round hers for cups of tea and if i was feeling down she would give me a cuddle and a biscuit and tell me everything was gonna be alright in her sweet Irish tones.

I’m not so keen on Katie Waissel as she reminds me of someone i don’t like on top of the fact that she is un-fucking-believably annoying to both look at an listen too. Jeez, i does wind me up sometimes and i find myself having to hold back from punching the nearest person in the mouth. Especially if that person is harder than me which is 99% of the time.

11. ConRank – Had Enough

In my day (a short while ago) drumstep would have been called half time dnb but not these days, oh no!

Now days we must make sure everything has its own, individual genre name, otherwise how will Ministry of Sound know which compilation to put it on.

Anyway i digress. Hopefully by now Wagner has not been voted off X-Factor. I’m writing this on Monday the 15th but this promo will probably not reach you until next week which is this week for you as you are in the future. But i’m writing this last week for you which is now for me at the same time. Not your now. Your now is now.

Oh god, it’s happening again.

12. Temper D – Moonboots

So, the new series of ‘I’m an out of work Z list moron, make a tit of me’ is on the telly. I’m immediately drawn to the endearing yet human train wreck that is Shaun Ryder but i am also carrying big hopes for Lembit Opik.

I would like to go on the pull with Lembit Opik as he clearly has skills. Other people i would like to go on the pull with are Nicolas Sarkozy and Silvio Berlusconi. Particularly Berlusconi as he is clearly a fucking badman at picking up chicks. Literally, no fucking about, straight back to the mansion. Viagra and vintage champs business then BAM BAM BAM, quick excuse about having to get up in the morning, call them a cab and jobs a fucking goodun. Badman.

13.High Rankin & Evolve or Die Vs Wizard Sleeve – Lockdown

It’s got lyrics on it about chicks and shagging and stuff. There are also some swear words like shit and ass if you are into that sort of thing. Great.
It kinda makes me think of this one porno i saw with this chick in. Boy, she was hot. And not just in a slutty porno way either. Really really hot.
Anyway, she was getting on with the one dude with a moustache and then this other dude with a beard comes in a starts nailing her as well. It was awesome. Next time you’re round i’ll show you it.



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