I am looking for designs for a new range of Suicide Dub/High Rankin t-shirts.
Concept is simple, incorporate the logo into either design using no more than 3 colours at A3 size to be used on a t-shirt. It must be block colours with no fades so it can be used for screen printing.

Use the logo as it is or re-work it, illustrate it and be creative. You can use the logo as much or as little as you like as long as its in there somewhere.

The top designs (picked by me and my face) will be made into a t-shirts, sold online and will receive a share of the profits.

High Rez Logo >> http://dl.dropbox.com/u/44734807/LOGO%20BIG.jpg

To submit designs please post them on my facebook page www.facebook.com/highrankin and tag me in it.

Thank you kindly. I love you all.

Is it in any way necessary to spend upwards of 5 minute drying your misshapen cock and balls with a hair dryer in a gym changing room?
No. No it is not. Nor is it acceptable to swing them about like some sort unholy slingshot while liberally applying baby powder until the whole room looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy staggered in drunk and threw up. It’s a changing room not ancient Rome you saggy skinned, badly, tattooed cretin. It always seems to be the guys with wangs that look like a depressed door mouse has topped it’s self in a stolen birds nest. I’m generally not bothered by the company of other naked men. After all i have lived in Brighton most of my life but there needs to be some quality control in these changing rooms. Or at the very least a special area for those whose parts resemble a half eaten dead rat trying to escape from a cartoon thunder cloud.
A man i see regularly in the gym posed an interesting question to me a few weeks ago. (You’ll need to put on a voice like a middle class Brightonion doing a shit Danny Dyer impression for this) “So, you’ve got FHM’s 100 sexiest woman lined up in front of you, naked, bent over and ready to receive. You are allowed one thrust in each, how many can you get through before you blow your beans?”. If GCSE maths had questions like this i would have passed first time and maybe even got a B. But that’s not to say its an easy question. There are many factors involved. Do you descend from 100 to 1 or ascend from 1 to 100? You need to account for wind resistance, nerves and when you last lost your muck. If i’m honest, weeks later i am still at a bit of a loss but i think it is unlikely to be any more than 2.

If you’re one of the many people that missed out on tickets for Glastonbury or any of the other mudfests this year, don’t worry, you can put your own festival on at home for a fraction of the price.

First things first, you’ll need to set the scene. Get all the windows and doors in the house open. This is particularly important if it’s raining. It is also useful incase any waifs and stays wish to wander in off the street and join the fun.

Next on the agenda is sorting out your sleeping arrangements. This is easy enough by dragging your mattress into the kitchen and covering it in a bag of manure. Throw your duvet out the window, you won’t be needing it.

You are probably now going to want to see some acts, so get your iPhone out and download U2’s greatest hits and then get a low res picture of Bono and stick it at one end of the garden. Set your phone down next to it playing ‘Beautiful Day’ at an inaudible volume, go into the furthest away bedroom, charge yourself £15 for a warm can of cider and start throwing some shapes. You might at this point want to invite some friends round to occasionally push you on the floor and trample you a little. Your next port of call is to have one of your friends defecate all over your toilet floor and then fall asleep in it while you wait outside patiently for 3 hours holding in a piss and tweeting about how much of a great time you’re having.

After you have emptied you’re bladder you will probably fancy a little bite to eat. Have a root about in your freezer for some old burgers left over from a failed BBQ and pop one in the microwave for about 18seconds. Then, stick it between a couple of stale bits of Mighty White and dress it with lashing of out of date, pound-shop ketchup.

Lastly when you feel you have had quite enough crawl at 0.0001mph down your hall, out of the door and all the way to your parents house when you will want to cry in a the dark for up to a week while occasionally updating your facebook about how amazing it was and how you are now ever so tired and dreading going back to work.

JOB DONE. SAME TIME NEXT YEAR!

Wooohoooo it’s 2011!! Obviously it’s not. Well it is for you but not for me. I’m writing this in mid December as these sort of things have to be written in advance for obvious reasons, none of which i can be bothered to go into.
I thought for the new year i might try out a few new looks. Dubstep prick b2b moustache isn’t really working for me any more and i think i need a change. I’ve noticed a few good looks on women recently. My current favourites are 1. Moody and foreign 2. Attractive and upset 3. Angry and poor. All strong looks for 2011 i think you will agree.
I think i’m gonna go for distant and sexy. Either that or rugged and vulnerable, both should do the trick in the knicker dropping department. I am yet to feel in any way christmasy although i can tell it’s December by the fact my shit has turned a deep black colour from the amount of red wine i’m consuming. Christmas is probably a distant memory to you lot now, all happily going about your business in the future like some crap episode of the Twilight Zone.

Something that occurred to me the other day is that apart from driving, there is almost no situation that i couldn’t easily get away with being pissy drunk in. All drunk and pissed up on booze. Swig faced, sloshed, cunted. It’s almost as if god is telling me to drink more. ‘Go on Will, have another class of the magic humour juice. You’re nothing without it. Think of all the wild adventures you and Mr Pint have had. Go on Will, have another’. Fine, if that’s your attitude i fucking will and you can deal with the consequences you fictional bearded twat.
I have decided my new year resolutions are 1. Not pissing in the sink when there is washing up in it. 2. Not to get drawn in by the bright lights of Morrisons rotisserie chicken as it’s dreadful, i know its dreadful and it will always be dreadful. 3. Smash the ever loving shit out of Mumdance’s face the next time i see him.

After more than i year i have finally had a column turned down by IDJ mag due being too ripe for public consumption. So here it is.

The First Time………….

The first time was in Laser Warriors in Hove when i was 13. You may have been there, it’s on the seafront next to the swimming baths. She was 17. I don’t know if it was the dark surroundings, the lasers zipping past our heads or the 90′s techno pumping from a knackered PA but something made her want me. Made her want me real bad.

Jenny tugged excitedly at the belt of Danny’s slim fit jeans and ran her hands across his pale clammy chest. Danny lent a hand and soon the buckle was loose giving easy access to what lay beneath. Danny’s jaw twitched back and forth as beads of sweat dripped playfully from his brow. He teased his fingers through Jenny’s tangled pink dreadlocks and tugged at them gently. As Jenny peeled back his damp jeans she was underwhelmed with what she found lurking inside. Danny’s eyes rolled back in his head and he exhaled loudly. Jenny withdrew his less than basic erection and thumbed it about like a piece of warm blu-tac.

Danny knew he must concentrate hard even if it was just to thumb his semi gently inside Jenny with the hope it would increase its structural integrity within. Jenny lapped at Danny’s attempt and made the best with what she had found. She relieved him of his trousers and pants entirely and began to tug as his socks. Danny’s fingers curled and spasmed as he reached for the warm can of Red Stripe by the bedside. Jenny threw his socks to the floor and began to take off her vest and bra. The 7 year old tattoo of a dolphin on her lower back had not stood the test of time and resembled an unpleasant bruise.

She removed her Blue Blot jeans and knickers in one swift motion and set about the lads meat like a kitten with a ball of string. After what seemed like an age Jenny was confident that what she held in her hand was satisfactory for a penetration attempt and she pressed the sweaty unprotected length betwitzed her legs. As Danny’s dignity breached Jenny’s thick thatching she let out a faint moan and pushed it in further. With the help of a little extra moisture thanks to some applied spittle they were in business. Jenny bounced up and down 2 or 3 times until Danny’s substandard boner popped out and fell to one side. Jenny managed to feed it back in but was only forced to repeat the action a further 3 or 4 times. They were getting nowhere and Jenny was forced to merely grind about atop Danny and hope for the best. After she had found her rhythm Jenny started to feel some pleasure and began to think that perhaps it wasn’t such a disaster. She leaned her head back and began to breath heavily. Danny clutched at her breasts, kneading them back and forth. Jenny could feel Danny hardening beneath her and started to bring her hand down to help herself along. And then he jizzed.

Afternoon meat tubes, i hope i find you well.

Praise be the lord, the second ‘This is Suicide Dub’ album is out on the 28th of November and boy is it a corker!

Below is some guff i wrote to go out with the promos. They went out in pairs so thats how its written. Get over it. Ok?

Thanks

—Tracklisting—

1.High Rankin – The Things You Do
2.High Rankin – Flowers on your rave
3.Lightshapers – When i fall
4.Alexis K - State Of Play
5.Evolve or Die – Hail To The King
6.Magic Mash – M.A.G.I.C
7.RackNRuin – Forward Thinking
8.Cliffhanga – Lock This Down
9.Hostage – Take A Lick
10.Faceman & High Rankin – Public Service Announcement
11.ConRank – Had Enough
12.Temper D – Moon Boots
13.High Rankin & Evolve or Die Vs Wizard Sleeve – Lockdown

1. High Rankin – Things you do & 2. High rankin – Flowers on your rave

I would like to clear a few things up if possible. One, i don’t know who has been spreading the rumour that I fingered Carly Peterson in the back of Craig Dobsons car but it’s not true.

What happened was, we were sat in the back of the car playing travel chess and a wasp got in through a crack in the window. The wasp then flew up Carly’s skirt. I tried to remove the wasp by putting my hand up her skirt and moving it about rhythmically. Carly also let out some screams and groans in a further attempt to scare the wasp into leaving her skirt and the vehicle all together. Luckily neither of us were hurt by the wasp.

3. Lightshapers – When i Fall & 4. Alexis K – State Of Play

Lightshapes is made up of a person that makes music and lives in a house. The track opens with some notes which are combined with further notes to build up a sound. The track then drops which is great. There is a vocal in this track also which has become a popular thing to do over recent years.

Alexis K is from a country that is not in the UK. She makes music taking influences from other music that she has heard in the past. The track opens with drums and goes on to include some synth, some bass and a vocal which has been a popular combination over recent years.

5. Evolve or die – Hail To The King & 6. Magic Mash – MAGIC

You may have seen various videos of late featuring Evolve or Die in a wig. If you haven’t, that’s your loss quite frankly. This one time i was with Evolve or Die in this club in Brighton and this one hot chick started talking to me. It was totally awesome and after i ran out of things to say i went to the toilet so it didn’t look like i had run out of things to say. She left shortly after.

I’ve not met either of Magic Mash so don’t really know if they are nice guys. They probably are tbh as they are very polite on AIM and email. This one time we were chatting and i was also chatting to this one hot chick on facebook. I sent them a pic of the chick and they said she was hot as well. She has a boyfriend now.

7 RackNRuin – Forward Thinking  & 8. Cliffhanga – Lock it Down

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Maybe you want to talk naughty about the latest Pendulum remix competition or hear the steamy, intricate details of some cock stiffening sidechain compression. Our Dj’s will be there to sex it up live, 24 hours a day.

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9. Hostage – Take A Lick  &  10. Faceman and High Rankin – Public Service Announcement

I don’t know how many of you have been watching X Factor but i think this years is one of my favourites. Not least for Wagner i can tell you. He’s a one man wolf pack that guy. I am also very fond of Mary a.k.a Tesco Mary. I would like to be her neighbour. I would go round hers for cups of tea and if i was feeling down she would give me a cuddle and a biscuit and tell me everything was gonna be alright in her sweet Irish tones.

I’m not so keen on Katie Waissel as she reminds me of someone i don’t like on top of the fact that she is un-fucking-believably annoying to both look at an listen too. Jeez, i does wind me up sometimes and i find myself having to hold back from punching the nearest person in the mouth. Especially if that person is harder than me which is 99% of the time.

11. ConRank – Had Enough

In my day (a short while ago) drumstep would have been called half time dnb but not these days, oh no!

Now days we must make sure everything has its own, individual genre name, otherwise how will Ministry of Sound know which compilation to put it on.

Anyway i digress. Hopefully by now Wagner has not been voted off X-Factor. I’m writing this on Monday the 15th but this promo will probably not reach you until next week which is this week for you as you are in the future. But i’m writing this last week for you which is now for me at the same time. Not your now. Your now is now.

Oh god, it’s happening again.

12. Temper D – Moonboots

So, the new series of ‘I’m an out of work Z list moron, make a tit of me’ is on the telly. I’m immediately drawn to the endearing yet human train wreck that is Shaun Ryder but i am also carrying big hopes for Lembit Opik.

I would like to go on the pull with Lembit Opik as he clearly has skills. Other people i would like to go on the pull with are Nicolas Sarkozy and Silvio Berlusconi. Particularly Berlusconi as he is clearly a fucking badman at picking up chicks. Literally, no fucking about, straight back to the mansion. Viagra and vintage champs business then BAM BAM BAM, quick excuse about having to get up in the morning, call them a cab and jobs a fucking goodun. Badman.

13.High Rankin & Evolve or Die Vs Wizard Sleeve – Lockdown

It’s got lyrics on it about chicks and shagging and stuff. There are also some swear words like shit and ass if you are into that sort of thing. Great.
It kinda makes me think of this one porno i saw with this chick in. Boy, she was hot. And not just in a slutty porno way either. Really really hot.
Anyway, she was getting on with the one dude with a moustache and then this other dude with a beard comes in a starts nailing her as well. It was awesome. Next time you’re round i’ll show you it.

Oi you. Yeah you. Unshaven, unwashed, yesterdays pants, biscuits on chin, Billy no mates. Yeah you. You are destroying this planet and you make me and the rest of the IDJ  Mafia sick to our stomachs. But what do i know, i’m just some 2 bit music producer that for some reason has been allowed to write nonsense for a below par dance mag. I like to give off the impression that i’m all peace and love and save the wale and stop damage to the A-Hole layer or whatever, but as soon as anyones back is turned i’m wiping my arse with bog roll made from the tips of snow leopard tails. You have to throw the rest of the dead bastard away of course, its useless, a waste of good guts, but by god those tail tips feel so good against my piles.
I’ll be honest, i know next to tit all about global warming and all that jazz but what i do know is that if you really care about your carbon footprint you will go outside right now and find the nearest brick or bit of piping and smash the bejesus out of your cobblers or jazz box, therefore eradicating the possibility of you ever spawning vial little offspring. You can then drive to work in a fleet of hummers and concords for the rest of the year safe in the knowledge that you have done the whole planet a favour by not adding 1 more fuel hungry little bastard to the ever increasing list of the worlds problems. You can have a tyre burning party in celebration. Sing-Ho-Fucking-Sanas you have officially done your bit. So go on, out you go, it’s your duty as a socially responsible human being, go outside and smash your genitalia in oblivion. You’re a hell of guy and we’re all routing for ya.

Taken from my column in I-Dj Mag

Taken from my column in IDJ mag

Taken from my monthly column in IDJ Magazine