Too ripe for public consumption

After more than i year i have finally had a column turned down by IDJ mag due being too ripe for public consumption. So here it is.

The First Time………….

The first time was in Laser Warriors in Hove when i was 13. You may have been there, it’s on the seafront next to the swimming baths. She was 17. I don’t know if it was the dark surroundings, the lasers zipping past our heads or the 90′s techno pumping from a knackered PA but something made her want me. Made her want me real bad.

That’s the official line, however the unofficial line states that the first time was on the floor of a Newhaven bungalow. I was 17 and more than a little nervous. Personally i choose to believe the former and i suggest you do too.

I got a real panic on a while back when i came to the terrible realisation that i had never slept with a virgin. I had never been that guy to deflower a young maiden. Never popped a cheery. I’d never played the lead role in a smash and grab, hymen heist. I can’t help but feel that at the ripe old age of 26 it’s unlikely i’m ever gonna get the chance.

Where would i even meet a willing 16 year old? Down the park? At the 5B bus stop? A nappy night? And what if she wasn’t 16, what if she was 15? What if she told her dad who in turn when to see my dad for a little bit of leg time with him and lady bat? It’s a sexual minefield and no mistake.

Maybe when i get married i could demand my wife is re-hymenised for our wedding night. That wouldn’t be weird at all. I’m sure it happens all over the world all the time. In fact, right now somewhere in the world, someone is getting a brand new hymen installed ready to get it smashed to buggery in the name of either religion or a bit of a laugh. I suggest you stop a minute to think about it. Really think about it.

Advertisement